My favorite new book of deep thought and delectable quotes in beautifully written essays is John Tanner’s Notes from an Amateur: A Disciple’s Life in the Academy. Because this blog is about thoughts on A World of Good, I especially liked his essay called Grave Thoughts on Greatness and Goodness that makes a case for importance of just plain goodness. He suggests that it’s good to be great but it’s even greater to be good. We see that this was both environmental and hereditary for him as he followed in his father’s footsteps. He said that his dad spent a lot of time making sure that his children succeeded at school, in sports, and as leaders but he had this engraved on his tombstone: In God’s divine plan, all achievements will fade into oblivion except personal righteousness.” Apparently righteousness translates to goodness in the Tanner family as John proceeds to expound on the importance of goodness. He refers to Jim Collins’ book Good to Great and says, “Morally, good is not the enemy of great. Goodness is the enabling condition of true greatness.” It’s a terrific article!
It made me think of how much of our time is often used to “get things done”. The “to do” list is endless and pretty meaningless unless the list includes doing something good for someone. The good old Christian hymn, Have I Done Any Good in the World Today means more in the context of our complicated, demanding, often frustrating and stressful world. Yesterday I got an email from an old friend whose mother was dying. We have loved this woman since before we were married and hadn’t seen her for many years. We were leaving the next day for a two week trip and madly packing and trying to tie up loose ends before our exit. Because getting it done was my first priority, I was driven. My initial thought after I read the message was that I had way too much to do to drop everything for a visit. Then this article which I had just re-read that morning flashed into my mind.
When I thought of the two options: 1) drop everything and drive an hour out of my way for a short visit with this dear old friend or 2) leave several things hanging (urgent but not really that important) while we were gone, the decision was clear. This was a chance to do something good. Not great but good. In the end and although the visit probably did more for me than for her, I was so glad I went. She was sheer inspiration!
In this world of good, it is important to remember that creating the “good” in our own lives is our own responsibility. If doing something, though it may be small and insignificant, for someone every day isn’t on my list, it isn’t a good day! Actually I’d like to see a book called, From Great to Good!
I (Linda) love reading and because of that I truly love long plane rides because that is the only time I can find to read for any length of time. When we’ve got a 14 hour plane ride ahead of us, I am probably the only one on the plane who is honestly excited. And after all that time, when they announce that we are descending, I panic. I’m usually not quite finished with my delicious book!
This week we spent about 15 hours on planes. From SLC we flew about hour hours to NYC, then another three and a half to Puerto Rico. On the way home it was another three plus, back to Atlanta and another four back to SLC so I had a hay-day diving into books that I’ve been dying to read. My favorite was Unbroken by Laura Hillenbrand which is an incredible story of a distance runner and bombardier in World War II. We’ll save that review for another day because the one I finished as we were descending into Salt Lake was The Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother by Amy Chua.
I had read excerpts when the book first came out last year and was fascinated and a bit angry. I found the paper back edition at the airport had arrived and finally had the chance to digest the whole thing! Amy Chua’s premise is that Chinese Mothers are different from Western Mothers not only in degree but in kind, which is why they uniformly produce academic and musical geniuses. How I admire her ability to keep her eye on her goals for her children at all costs. Every night she spent hours not only drilling math facts to get her two daughters ready for their tests the next day but also rushed home from her work as a consultant and author to be sure that her daughters were practicing several hours on their instruments (piano and violin) each night. Her help sometimes included notes about exactly what they should be working on with each phrase. Her method for compliance was yelling, screaming and using language that I’m pretty sure any Western mother would consider abusive. I’m not sure she ever figured out that she was a perfect study for OCD (Obsessive, Compulsive Disorder) before the condition was widely known.
I’m not putting Amy down. Her efforts have produced two beautiful young women. One who complied quite happily and ended up playing at Carnegie Hall and one who rebelled and still survived her mother’s iron hand. Even though Amy felt that she might be going too far from time to time, I think she would say that she couldn’t help herself. It was ingrained in her fiber from her own parents. I do think that demanding that kids are successful is much more a cultural norm among the Chinese than among Western mothers but there are always exceptions. Just as a vast number of Chinese mothers who read the book balked at the idea that they were all like Amy, there were also Western mothers (and I know some) who could rival Amy’s undeviating dedication to making sure that their children succeed in whatever she chooses at all costs.
In addition, I had a Tiger Mother of my own but with just the right amount of moderation. My sister and I were the only ones in the Bear Lake Valley who could play the violin. When the one violin teacher in town moved, she took us to Logan (three hours round trip) every other week for lessons from a professor at USU. We also took piano lessons from the best local teacher (next to her). In High School we were required to practice 2 1/2 hours every day, five days a week in addition to our homework before we could ever do anything with friends. I remember her standing over me many mornings at 6 a.m. as my tears dripped down the piano keys because I couldn’t get something right. There were arguments and when I begged to quit, she would say, “Someday you’ll thank me for this!” And I do….almost every day! I became a music major in violin and my sister is a fabulous accompanist, a skill that she uses almost every day.
Though our children did get up at 6 a.m. to practice and we did manage to eek out a little string quartet for some years, none are concert musicians and I don’t regret it. They appreciate music but many drifted on to their own passions, of which photography (about which I know nothing) was a huge favorite. There is a fine line between an iron hand and constant requirements that children reach their potential. That line may be different for every family. Still I do think that we Western mothers need to pay attention to being a little more like those Chinese mothers who insist that their children be successful despite their vigilant complaints.
Are you a Tiger Mother? Did you have one? Your comments would be fascinating!
Having run a campaign ourselves when Richard ran for governor in 1992, we know just a little about what it takes to be the candidates in a campaign. Although a state-wide race pales in comparison to a national race, it still gave us a taste of how grueling a campaign can be. One never knows when shaking hands with someone whether they love or hate you. Raising money is always weighing like a ton of bricks on your shoulders and it takes a toll on family time and really on doing anything else. I can’t remember sleeping for several months!
Of course there are good aspects as well. The loyal people who rally around a candidate and sacrifice time and money to the cause are an inspiration. Really working for a cause that you believe in, meeting extraordinary new people and seeing great causes that you would never have known otherwise is elevating and invigorating. Certainly there are perks, but the sacrifices that the current presidential candidates make because they truly believe that they can make our nation better are astronomical. Any one of the Republican candidates running for President could be on vacation in Hawaii, enjoying their children and grandchildren. Instead they somehow find the energy to wake up every morning and go at it again…facing both accolades and defamation. A new slap in the face from foes and rivals emerges every day. A thousand problems with staff and the electorate arise 24/7. All of it requires more energy than any of us can imagine. Shaking a thousand hands a day, eating whatever is in front of you…or not, saying the same thing over and over and over and over has got to be get pretty debilitating. But they somehow go on with vigor and determination day after day.
It was sobering to see Mary Kaye Huntmans’s sad face when her husband, our former and very popular governor Jon Huntsman stepped out of the race this week. The Huntsmans have done so much for Utah and have worked so hard on this campaign. It took me right back to Richard’s concessions speech when we stood on a similar stand with our family and stepped aside after we won the Republican convention but lost in the primary election to Mike Leavitt. Although the time and the money were a factor I think the hardest thing was disappointing so many campaign workers and supporters. We still have fond connections with many of those good people, but in the end I have to say that the campaign was one of the hardest thing we’ve done. Personally, I have to admit that by the next week, I was so glad that we had lost. Politics is just my not cup of tea!
Being friends of Mitt and Ann Romney and watching them in the last election as well as this one, has given us just a peek into the incredible difficulties of a national campaign. What they have waded through in terms of opinions coming from every directions and so many false accusations and misunderstandings is beyond belief. Many say that real politicians don’t care about what the accusers and naysayers think. They just have to go forward with what they believe. But they do care. There are some arrows that are hard to pull out! The time, money, mental stability, energy, and determination it takes to run a national campaign is simply astounding! Mix all that with Ann’s delicate health and you get a feel for the sacrifices involved in this incredible national campaign.
Similar things could be said for all the other candidates who have put themselves out there for what they believe.
So on this Martin Luther King week, wouldn’t it be stellar if we could just stop all the crazy wild rhetoric for a day and give these good people who dare to step into the ring a cheer?
Happy 2012! We have been thinking a lot about “New Beginnings” as this exciting new year has rolled in! Mostly because there is not a more poignant new beginning than giving birth and we have been intimately involved with the births of two new angelic grandchildren in the past month.
Even though I (Linda) have given birth to nine of our own children it is stunning to realize how much we forget about the total sacrifices involved in bringing a child into the world. Only mothers who have been there can appreciate what it takes to give birth to a 9lb. 8 oz. baby with his arm stretched out above his head aka Superman. Nor can anyone who hasn’t done it appreciate having an 8 lb. 6 oz. first child at a birthing center at age 38!
We are fans of Clayton Christensen’s book ” Disrupting Class” partly because of his clear-thinking ideas to improve our educational system, but we especially like the name. As we have observed the families of these two families and reflect on our own experience, we have realized that the entry of a new child is not only a great joy but also a stunning disruption. Having a new child could appropriately be called “Disrupting Life”. Everything changes. Everybody’s position in the family constellation changes. It is a marathon “New Beginning”!
Having said that, we all know the great good that comes from courageous, dedicated parents who continue to bring children into this scary, unpredictable yet wonderful world. Hooray for those who are still willing to disrupt their lives, to sacrifice what is needed, to be willing to face the blood, sweat and tears that it takes to raise strong, confident children who will, in the end, make the world a better place!
We are in New York City for Christmas this year….for a very good reason….a new baby granddaughter born on December 16th. What a delightful way to enjoy the season.
Yesterday I was out on the streets shopping for food and observing the panic-stricken faces of many of the shoppers. One woman at the flower stand was almost attacking the poor guy who was wrapping her flowers. “It is not even funny how much I have to do! Not even funny!!!”
Besides the frenzy of Christians, it is also the beginning of Hanukkah for Jewish families with special meals to prepare for friends and family during their holiday season.
Having finished most of our own Christmas hoopla before we left, it was fun and interesting just to observe others’ distress with a smile and a “been there, done that” feeling. I wondered why it is so hard to slow down and just enjoy the peace and good will that is intended for Christmas.
Just before bed last night I found this delightful holiday blog post from our daughter Saydi who lives in Boston. It includes one of my all time favorite poems and Saydi’s usual deep and clear thoughts about stopping to be still and enjoy the moments.
Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening
By Robert Frost
Whose woods these are I think I know.
His house is in the village though;
He will not see me stopping here
To watch his woods fill up with snow.
My little horse must think it queer
To stop with out a farm house near
Between the woods and frozen lake
The darkest evening of the year.
He gives his harness bells a shake
To ask if there is some mistake.
The only other sound’s the sweep
Of easy wind and downy flake.
The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.
I always think of this poem around this time of year. I love it. Reading it helps me feel the peace that really is the center of this season, but somehow gets so easily pushed to the edges. I’ve never really isolated why it helps me feel calm. I’ve assumed it’s the validation and empathy I feel reading that last line, “miles to go before I sleep” and then reading it again. But this morning while I was running in the crisp air and marveling at the beauty of the still grey sun rise and taking in the details of the trees silhouetted against the solstice sky the real meaning of this poem (to me at least) hit me.
There are miles to go before he sleeps, but he is stopping. Stopping in the woods and watching them fill with snow. He is quiet enough for a minute to listen to the wind and downy flake.
And in that stopped quiet moment he is reminded of the promises he has to keep. Promises.’ Isn’t that a nice way to think of all the things we are running around doing? In my mind, he stopped, drank in the beauty of a moment and then moved for ward laced with peace as he traveled all those miles before he could sleep.
This is what I’m trying to focus on this season. The moments (the good ones). Emmeline reading the Grinch to Peter on the couch. Charlie doing a secret service. Hazel leaving notes on my pillow. The glow of the lights as I read to the kids all snuggled into my ribs. Laying in bed at night with Jeff talking about how great we think our kids are.
I’m trying to stop and watch my woods fill up with snow. When I do I can see all the love and meaning behind all those miles and promises stretched long before I can sleep.
What is making you stop this season? Can you hear the easy wind and downy flake?
Children can do a world of good for other children at Christmastime with just a little direction. Given a challenge, they are truly amazing! For years when our children were home one of our traditions at Christmas was to hold a Children for Children Concert. The kids would ask their friends in the neighborhood and from school to get a talent ready to perform at concert on an assigned night during the holidays at our house. When the night arrived kids showed up with their parents and grandparents for the big performance. We saw everything from a simple one-minute piano solo to kids who could had beautiful voices (and some…not so much, but they were earnest), to kids showing their artwork to kids who could tap dance.
The parents were then asked to think of their admission to the concert as a generous contribution to a great cause. With their contributions our first year we helped to build a simple cinderblock school for children their age in Bolivia. Every year the kids discovered a great cause to support and were so proud to feel that they could actually help by participating in the concert.
This tradition has rolled on to some of our children’s families as soon as their children became old enough to organize the event. They have taken a good idea and made it abundantly better! Last year our Arizona daughter Shawni who has a five year old daughter Lucy, with a rare syndrome which means she may lose her sight had their older siblings organize a Children for Children Concert to raise money for The Foundation Fighting Blindness. The kids excitedly crammed their home with people and their concert made a nice sum of money for this good cause.
Another daughter Saydi who lives in Boston sent websites to the parents whose kids were invited to the perform in the concert. She asked them to go through the websites for three stellar humanitarian organizations with their kids so that the kids could vote on which good cause they wanted to support with their efforts to participate in the concert. The kids got involved, voted and Mabuhay Deseret Foundation won. This is an organization that does free surgeries for cleft palette, cataract and other important surgeries on children who would otherwise be permanently maimed or blind. Interestingly Saydi and her husband Jeff spent six months in the Philippines working with this organization when they were first married. The parents involved in that concert loved having their kids see the needs of kids in desperate situations that they could help by sending money from their concert.
Last week our oldest daughter Saren completed a Children for Children Concert with a much larger group than would fit in a living room because an old Methodist church just around the corner from her home in Ogden had just been transformed into a community center. Before she turned the reigns over to their oldest son Ashton to conduct the program, she introduced their fifth annual concert by explaining “the cause” which was to support orphans in Bulgaria where she served as a missionary many years ago. She has since gone back to Bulgaria with Deborah Dushku who helped start an organization called One Heart Bulgaria that has been supporting orphanages there for about ten years. She showed a three minute video of the beautiful children in the orphanages that she saw there. The heart-wrenching video was accompanied by a recording of Kurt Bestor singing “The Prayer of the Children. As always, a tear jerker! See the video on Saren’s blog post here.
looslifamily.blogspot.com/2011/12/children-for-children-concert.html
The pictures below will tell the story. The kids usually do a nativity scene at the end and since there were almost 200 people in attendance, there were about 25 shephards and a multitude of angels. The audience was chuckling watching Joseph be sure that each shepherd saw the baby Jesus up close and personal!
Those kids raised $1677 which was matched by a foundation which meant that they earned $3354. That is enough will support two orphanages in Bulgaria for a year!
The hard part on these concerts as parents is to stand back and let the kids really do it! Of course there needs to be some reminding and some wind in their sails, but letting the kids do the calls, plan the program and conduct the concert is the key to helping them feel the real joy of giving something really meaningful to children in need at Christmas instead of feeling the often insatiable need for getting!
Below is our daughter’s family Thanksgiving Tree which the family posts on the refrigerator each year. This year that tree was literally loaded with “blessings’.
However, the day after thanksgiving it only took a nano second to convert the Thanksgiving Tree to the Christmas tree (this one is at Great Grandma’s house). Bring on the stress!
Even though Thanksgiving is our favorite holiday (for one thing, it’s so much less stress) the sparkle and charm of the Christmas season is upon us with all the hoopla and mind-boggling details. This Christmas, a lot of good in “our worlds” can be had by simplifying Christmas.
Here are a couple of ideas: We have a daughter whose husband is out of work. They have never been extravagant but this year they let the kids know up front that Santa would be bringing a ONE gift, the grandparents would each be sending a gift, the parents would provide a small gift and there would be a family game or some sort of family entertainment gift. The kids are fine with that and as excited as any kids about Christmas. Their gifts to each other this year are going to be a service to each other. Everything from cleaning up a sibling’s bedroom to helping each other with homework without a complaint. What money they earn they are using to pay for dance lessons and ski rentals. Sounds like a fabulous plan to me!
This holiday season we will be meeting two new grand babies. One in San Diego who was born last week and one in New York City who is due on December 15th. We’re leaving SLC on the 12th and not coming back until the 30th. That makes Christmas so much simpler. We’ve simplified decorations, haven’t put up our usual outside lights and we’re not even putting up a Christmas tree because no one’s going to be here to enjoy it. Even though we have nine children and twenty-three grandchildren to buy gifts for, a huge load seems to be lifted. The time we had spent putting up Christmas decorations was spent organizing gift-giving and for one who usually finishes with gifts about Christmas Eve, I’m almost ready for Christmas! AND I found time to read a Christmas story to one set of grandchildren who live close enough to read to.
Somehow the world has managed to make us think that every Christmas needs to be bigger partly because our kids get bigger and often a little more demanding. Traditions HAVE to be followed, even if they don’t make much sense. Huge dinners HAVE to be provided because that is what is expected. We going to be brave enough to say that there are always ways to simplify Christmas. It may not be through not putting up the Christmas tree but challenge yourself to think of ways to make this Christmas easier. Also remember that t’s essential to lay out the parameters for gifts and stick to it according to your situation this year. It makes Christmas so much less stressful and saves more time for the things that are really important!
Watch for next weeks’ post about simplifying Christmas Eve or Christmas Day dinners.
On November 20th the city of Lehi launched the 11th annual Lehi Family Week. Hats off to the Lehi Family Week Committee for planning and organizing a fabulous week that is a reminder of the importance of the family! The Lehi High School gymnasium was filled with parents and children, teenagers and civic leaders. It was incredible!
As we walked into the high school gym we were filled with the beautiful sounds from The Vivaldi Quartet. At first we thought it was a recording but it turned out to be four very talented musicians playing string quartet music that, as a string major, I had played in college. The catch was that they were twelve years old! And the really astounding thing was that they had been playing together for three years. Go figure. They started playing together when they were nine!
Three outstanding families were honored as “Lehi Families of the Year”. Though the other families had already left, we caught up with this cute family who has contributed so much to the community.
A video of Lehi City and their family activities from the past year was shown and a beautiful choir composed of 200 middle and high school kids sang in a youth choir. Their music (one selection was original words and music) was all about family and was magnificently moving. We were privileged to be the keynote speakers so we got to stand right in the middle of these great kids at the end although finding us feels like “Where’s Waldo”!
The most amazing thing to us that night was the event organizer. You have probably met a person here and there with dynamite in their blood and the Event Chairman this year was certainly one of them. Heather Miller, wife, mother and born shepherd of good causes was the force behind this extraordinary week of family activities. How many young people from ages 13-18 would take time out of their school and extracurricular activities for practices weeks in advance for a program on the family? Somehow, Heather, along with a terrific conductor and pianist “rounded them up and moved them out.” Her attention to detail was astounding and her ability to rally others to a good cause was inspiring!
Interestingly, great organizers are also great mothers! Below is Heather (second from the right) with her darling daughters. All these sisters are accomplished in their own right. You can see it in their faces.The cute daughter with the crown just won the Miss Lehi Outstanding Teen contest.
Until now, we had thought of Lehi mostly as a road construction zone. Now we know that it is a construction zone for strong families! It was such a pleasure to see what a difference one person can make as they motivate others for good. There are a lot of days when I think I could use a little dynamite infusion in my blood! Hoorah for Lehi and especially Heather Miller.
In an earlier post here we introduced our semi-adopted daughter from Bulgaria. Not in our wildest dreams could we have imagined, while our contagiously optimistic Eva Koleva was living with us for a few years while getting her education at the University of Utah, that she would return to us 17 years later as a world-reknowned photographer!
To make a long story short, she married our dear friends’ son Adam Timothy and Adam and Eva and had a magical wedding reception in a gorgeous garden (one of our daughters wore a fake snake around her neck all night). After their first child was born they took off for Oxford University where her husband was accepted in the MBA program. As we hugged her goodbye she showed me her little Kodak point and shoot camera and said she was off to take a photography class so she could be a photographer some day. I wished her luck with a wink and a nod and off they went.
Last week she came back to BYU where a 30-piece exhibition of her book Lost in Learning:The Art of Discovery hangs outside the auditorium of the Harold B. Lee Library on the BYU campus until January 30th. The University has also purchased seven large pieces of her work for a permanent exhibition.There she did a lecture on her life growing up under communism and the amazing things that can happen when you think outside the box! Saren, our oldest daughter found Eva while serving a mission in Bulgaria and we are forever grateful for the sunshine she has added to our lives!
The wonderful women responsible for her getting Eva to BYU:
Earlier that morning she mesmerized a hundred middle school students at The McGillis School with her story and photography. Their questions were stellar! Below is the staff and representatives of the University of Utah who invited her to “make their day”!
After a lunch with beloved friends who served as missionaries in Bulgaria and the BYU presentation at 3 o’clock, we dashed to the Leonardo Museum in SLC where she presented her story and beautiful photography again to the Humanities Department from which she graduated at the U of U. It was a delight for everyone present!
Today her work has been exhibited internationally and is included in the collections of The The Smithsonian National Museum of American History, The Library of Congress (Permanent Collection), The British Library, Green Templeton College (Oxford University), The George Eastman House Library and The Victoria Albert Museum (National Art Library) among others.
From her bio we read: “Eva believes that art’s purpose is to empower us in looking beyond the dulling distractions and to focus on our noblest aspirations in life.”
In her debut monograph, Lost in Learning: The Art of Discovery (which won an international prize in Paris this year), Eva has woven this worldview of learning, history and art into a creation which urges us each to pursue our life’s dreams with greater passion.”
Eva’s life personifies her beliefs and core values and most especially permeates the life of her family. A home-schooler extraordinaire of their three beautiful children, she and Adam may be raising the next Einstein or modern-day Di Vinci with their ability to embrace freedom in all its forms!
As she boarded a red-eye that night to re-join her children in New England the next morning, I reflected on what a blessing Eva has been to our family. And as Thanksgiving approaches, we give thanks to Eva who has taught us to see our blessings in a whole new and more appreciative way. Being with Eva is truly is a combination of magic and pure joy! To see her inspiring short video click here or get more information and see some of her photos click here.
When our kids were little we decided to have a birthday tradition for each of our them. Since we had so many kids (9), we thought this would be a fun way to give each child some special attention on their birthday. The crazier the tradition, the more the kids loved it! One of our favorites was “Floating the Birthday Cake.” We were usually at Bear Lake when we celebrated our little Saydi’s birthday tradition of rigging up some sort of “floaty” to float her cake on the lake every August 12th. Crazy but fun. Every year the excitement built as we anticipated floating the cake. Even when Saydi was at the MTC (Missionary Training Center) on her birthday as she prepared to serve her mission in Spain she got messages from several siblings saying, “Saydi, I floated a cupcake in the sink for you today!”
You just never know where a tradition will go! As fate would have it, we have a granddaughter who was also born on that day and she joined Saydi with her birthday tradition. Aunt and niece are glued together forever with that little tradition.
Believe it or not, Richard’s birthday tradition almost trumped Halloween every year. Since his birthday is October 28th, we loved going down to Liberty Park and jumping in the leaves. We raked them, threw them, stuffed them down each other’s backs and buried the birthday boy in them. As the years went by, the teenagers really got into it. They wanted to invite their friends, have hot chocolate, jump out of the trees into the leaves.
The first year our children started filing out of the house, we were missing three of them all at once. All three happened to be on missions for our church. Our two older daughters were in Bulgaria and Romania and our son was in England and we were sorely missing them. However, they each sent a letter for Dad to open on his birthday. Without talking to each other, each contained a leaf. The girls sent sweet messages that reminded their dad that even though they were far away, they were still members of the family! Our son just sent a leaf. We were sure he thought, “Dad will know what it means!”
We were in a sweet place this year on October 28th because, after having several years with kids too far away to come home for the birthday, five of our grandchildren have moved to Ogden (with their parents), just an hour door to door…so the tradition continues….in person:
Traditions may be more important than we can ever guess. They just may be the super glue that holds our families together forever!
